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Restart, Begin

by Jessica Mindrum

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1.
Do you think that god is laughing? Do you think that that’s a silly question? I feel the rumble of the floorboards below me And I swear they’re cracking all at once There was a flame that never died Did he hold the gust to put it out the entire time Hello? Are you there? Are you kind? Will you protect my heart? Will you protect my heart? Will you protect my heart? Do you think that god is laughing? I walked in the snow and my face it was frozen And I’d think it’s funny if my heart wasn’t broken Instead, I’m just crying in the cold Then a car passed by it looked just like yours I said “Come on, what was that for?” But, I swear I heard him laughing And I think I’m laughing too I think I’m laughing too I think I’m laughing too Sweet girl She’ll never know how bad it’ll hurt Sweet girl Lay me out so I’ll finally learn Sweet girl
2.
Cardinal 03:10
When the fog burns off I’ll be down by the house looking out I count the birds One by one Do they look out? Do they hear me? Can you hear me? I’ve been whispering come back Are you seeing What I’m seeing? Can you feel my heart in my hands? When the fog burns off I’ll be down by the house burning out My lungs gave out Now I can’t see in front of me Oh where’d they go? Follow me home Glowing red and gold through the trees Oh here I come I’m falling from All the pedestals I keep When the fog burns off I’ll be down by the house burning out Burning out Burning out
3.
Easy 01:40
Gathered all my courage And I put it in a safe behind my heart You will never reach You will never reach Took off all my clothes, told him what to do to me Like it’s easy It’s easy for me Then I cried into my phone the next week Saying no this isn’t me I swear this isn’t me Take me to a planet that looks nothing like this one Where the people fall in line They’re not having any fun Cause I swore I would never give in Yeah I swore I would be something more than this Made up of the same blood Of that same stretch of skin Made up of the mornings Where I let somebody in
4.
I-88 03:37
Driving out west to your house in the country Tell me why there’s a mountainside in the plains Sharon sang to me on the radio But I was afraid of everything and I told her so Shaking as I walked to your door Pretend like I’ve been here before Take me in, take me out Tell me I could go far Bring you in, turn you on Make out in your car Oh I’ve never felt like this Will I ever get used to it? Driving out east from your house to the city I’ll show you mine since you showed me yours It’s getting hazy now I know we walked around But if you saw me would you even recognize me now? I guess I still look the same Just everything around me changed Drift off
5.
Has the wind died down by the lake? I thought I’d go outside for once today, and Can you hear me? I’ve been hiding I don’t want to kill you, ‘cause the world is trying, and I will build a bridge Between now and then And we will laugh at all the times that we lost our heads ‘Cause I am desperate for the calm I am desperate for the calm Did a plane go down, or was it just my dream? In truth it’s all the same I’m spending too much time asleep So was this a life? Was it all this stuff? Did I learn to love or did I just fear that I am not enough? I can’t remember The weight of the water The voice of my mother The insolent daughter I can’t remember The shift in the season A voice within reason Do I restart, begin?

about

Much like the rest of us, Jessica Mindrum had a tough 2020. While navigating the uncertainty of the pandemic, the Chicago-based songwriter also suffered from immeasurable loss: her grandma, her uncle and her beloved dog all passed away within a few months of each other. Mindrum had never lost anyone before, and the grief that ensued followed her like a petulant shadow. So, she turned to what she knew best: writing quiet songs in the comfort of her cosy apartment. The result is new EP Restart, Begin; a collection that works through the sorrow and silence of a new reality, with dark humor and poignant vulnerability.

It follows Mindrum’s 2018 EP Better Now / River and sees the artist further her exploration of loneliness, heartache and longing, but with a renewed clarity that sees her wipe away the fog to build a deeper foundation. There’s the tentative keys and gentle plucks of “Cardinal”; the slow-burning, ethereal tone of tiny song “Easy”; the hazy plucks of the quarantine-inspired title track and the glowing sincerity of “I-88”, where Mindrum wonders if a past love interest would even recognise her on the street. The intimacy of these admissions strive for connection and comfort during a year in which neither were possible, forcing Mindrum to reassess what it means to grow and flourish under the weight of bereavement and doubt.

“I had never experienced true grief before 2020 and then I experienced a tsunami of it,” she says, describing the effort it took to seem apathetic and blunt before these experiences. “I’m growing up now and I feel like it is cool to care about things. I’m there intellectually, but I don't know if it's got into my being yet." This care and attention to detail sweeps across Restart, Begin, where disheartening experiences and apprehension sit alongside the urge for optimism and reprieve. “Do You Think That God is Laughing” most succinctly sums this up, as Mindrum searches for an exhale among it all. “Everything that happened to me is obviously not funny but if you look at it in a cosmic joke kind of way, you can laugh at it, in a morbid way,” she says.

These songs were crafted in the middle of the recording process, after Mindrum had already begun work on the EP with an entirely different set of songs. Beginning in March 2020, the pandemic enforced a break and allowed her to reassess the EP’s direction. Once Mindrum had returned to the original songs, she didn’t recognise the person who wrote them. “I realized that they were about trivial things,” she explains. Working together with producer Joe George, the pair began to put together the new vision, exploring new sonic territory with cinematic strings, and piecing together the fragments of Mindrum’s intense year.

Emerging from these mercurial months is an artist more sure of herself than ever before. Whereas previous EP Better Now / River was presented with a black and white photograph of Mindrum looking away, Restart, Begin is introduced with a painting of Mindrum by Rachel Blanco, with the artist staring ahead, in full color. With a potted plant sitting next to her guitar, and Mindrum’s relaxed pose in her apartment, the cover art signals comfort in the face of unpredictability, offering a glimpse into the introspection that shapes her ever-evolving self. “There’s a Joan Didion quote I always come back to,” she says. “To remember what it was to be me: that is always the point.”

- Sammy Maine

credits

released May 21, 2021

Written by Jessica Mindrum
Produced by Joe George
Engineered by Rick Fritz
Cello on track 5 - Molly Rife
Violin on track 5 - Sadie Rose Glaspey
Upright bass on track 5 - Patrick Dinnen

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Jessica Mindrum Chicago, Illinois

"Restart, Begin" out May 21, 2021

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